Conscious (kon’shas), adj. 1. Aware of one’s own existence, sensations, thoughts, surroundings 2.  Fully aware of or sensitive to something: conscious of one’s own faults. 3. Having the mental faculties fully active: He was fully conscious during the operation.  4. Known to oneself; felt: conscious guilt. 5. Aware of what one is doing: a conscious liar. 6. Aware of oneself: self-conscious 7. Deliberate; intentional 8. Acutely aware of or concerned about: money conscious; Conscious implies to be awake or awakened to an inner realization of a fact, a truth, or a condition.”

Webster’s Unabridged Dictionary of the English Language

I had been searching for the right word to describe this social position. Living a racialized existence has always made me feel as though I were not awake, as though I were living in a sort of social haze.  I was in the world but not of the world. People were talking about me and were making decisions on my behalf but there was nothing that I could do about it. I could hear them; I had formulated an opinion but I was not the expert. There was something wrong with me and I was in their care and in their hands now.

Being labeled a socially colored “black” person felt to me like a sort of diagnosis. They had run tests and check their charts. The results were in. “I don’t know how to tell you this but you’re black. This is why you are a problem. This is why you don’t fit in. This is why we can’t accept you. This is why we don’t like you. This is why you will never succeed. I’m sorry but there is nothing more that we can do.”

I was then left to return home to live with the news that my life is over before it has begun. I should not make any plans. I should not strive for success. I should avoid socially defined “white” people as my contact with them will only make my condition worse and perhaps enhance my symptoms. It’s for the best.

I have been working through the conclusions of an initial draft of my book Conscious for over a year now. The blog is a result of its findings. I have decided to be my own doctor, to run my own tests and to draw my own conclusions. I believe that there is a cure for race: Christ and His mind in us. We need only take Him at His word. I am my first subject… but I am looking for more.