I am afraid

imagesI am afraid of mediocrity, of its acceptable sustainability, of just enough life, of barely being me.  No, I want life abundantly.

I am afraid of people who accept me as I am– without questions of provocation, the sharing of inspiration, the passing along of missing information.

I am afraid that I will not use my life to the best of its ability, that I would have missed spots, spaces and places for which my life should have been.

I am afraid of being marked absent, never fully present, not showing up for the performance of my own life but regularly purchasing tickets, sitting in seats and standing up from them to applaud the work of others.  I want to clap for me and say, “Encore.”

I am afraid of becoming who persons expected, made more comfortable by my superficial existence, never really feeling me.  I want to walk the earth heavily.

I am afraid of being who I am supposed to be, found where I am thought to be, confined to the opinions of others.  I want to be a surprise, to catch persons off guard, to cause persons to let down their guards.

I am afraid that I will not say what I feel and consequently, become unreal, another copy.  I don’t want to live at the discretion of others, live with the fears in my head.  I don’t want to  leave anything good unsaid.

I am afraid that I will not finish, that I will have left over purpose, extra potential and ideas and resources that will sit on shelves and expire.

Because my life has a lot of work to do, so much life to live, very many people to talk to.

I am afraid that others will not know these fears because they accept the life handed to them, lived by others, prescribed by society, confined to skin and its social coloring.

I am afraid that they will never live in the liberty of the Spirit, never feel the breath of God on the backs of their souls, never fly much less soar because they are afraid of spiritual height but very comfortable with the depths of self- depravity.

They are afraid of looking up as this is the direction of self.

They are afraid of seeing and facing themselves.

They are afraid because all they know is mediocrity and it is socially sustainable.

And I am afraid that it will always be in demand, that we will create our own supply rather than live life abundantly.

 

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2 thoughts on “I am afraid

  1. This post testifies to how much spiritual strength resides in vulnerability. Thank you for sharing these words from your heart.

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