Christians claim a God who, by the Genesis account, is a Wordsmith, who speaks an entire world into existence. Ex nihilo, out of nothing, the Divine tongue creates words that create worlds and ways of being for humans, animals, sea creatures and flying things. God seemingly has a word for everyone and everything.

Christians often speak with the same confidence, quoting a scripture for every circumstance, occasion and at every opportunity. They have the answer for everything. I read the entire Bible too and I still feel like I don’t know anything. Maybe I read it wrong.

As one who has been on the receiving end, these dialogues which quickly become testimony- monologues and then sermons can feel like someone tearing scriptures from the Bible, balling them up and shoving them down your throat. It does not have the calming effect that their soft, though demanding voice hopes for. Instead, my throat started to dry up and began to hurt.  I couldn’t talk and that was just fine.

Because I just needed to listen to them, take their word for it—though they never addressed any of mine: molestation, abuse, abandonment, alcoholism, rape, adultery. My traumas are many. Still, we just needed to pray. But I didn’t want another hand laid on me.

And even in their prayers, they blamed me. I needed to trust and believe. I had to “let go and let God.” I had to “forgive.” Yes, I was hurting and couldn’t heal because I couldn’t forget about it. It was all up to me.

There wasn’t much discussion about accountability. They didn’t need to review the specifics. We didn’t need to go over it. Faith was my ability to get over it.

So now I am back to the beginning, back where I started. Alone and in the dark, it is the perfect setting for a creation narrative. I imitate the Divine.  I start speaking, creating, interacting with, talking to myself. Because it is healthy to talk to and answer me. Besides, so many others would not.

Because some days, I don’t like what I see. Sometimes, you have to speak the world that you want into existence and you already have the words for it. Mine are raceless gospel and I have good news. You don’t have to stay in this abusive relationship, where we live in comparison and in competition with each other.

We weren’t created side- by- side or in groups. You didn’t come in a bunch. You are one of one. There is a word for you and it didn’t come from race. It came from the Wordsmith.